My rant against 100-inch TVs; a penchant for the four-star Aventho 300; being the only Scot on the team during the World Cup. I have had many controversial opinions during my tenure at What Hi-Fi?.
But recently, a sentence erupted from my lips that made every other home cinema reviewer on the team stop in their tracks: I hate summer.
Not the character from The OC (she’s one of the best parts of millennials’ favourite teen drama), I'm talking about the season.
Why? Because the paltry benefits it brings – BBQs, an excuse to visit the park, etc – don’t make up for the fact that it ruins one of my favourite pastimes. Specifically, watching movies in my home cinema.
How are the two connected? By three big factors driving my neurotic war on summer.
The first is the obvious one; it’s the heat. My home cinema isn’t fancy. I live in a small Victorian-era terraced house in zone three, London. So as I’ve said before, a proper long-throw projector and multi-speaker Dolby Atmos set-up is too big to sensibly fit in my cinema room.
Instead, in the top-floor room, in my converted attic, I have a Hisense PX3 UST, connected to a JBL Bar 1300 soundbar system. That puts it somewhere between a basic TV set-up and what our technical editor, Ketan Bharadia, would deign to call a “proper home cinema”.
And during all the other seasons, I’m happy with it. The wireless satellite speakers and subwoofer do a decent job of bringing movies to life and offer a nice sense of directionality that’s a level up on most basic single-soundbar packages. And the UST projector’s 120-inch image feels gigantic and like a proper step up from the tiny 48-inch LG C2 in my lounge.
So, most weekends, when the wife is out, I’ll scamper upstairs, put on my Ninja Turtles pyjamas and indulge in some serious movie watching.
During summer, that fun treat to myself morphs into an endurance test, both for me and the hardware in the room. Home cinema hardware runs hot to begin with. But because I’ve had to put it all on the top floor, mine is also running in a room that’s automatically a fair few degrees warmer than the rest of the house, even with the blinds closed and window open.
So, by the time I’ve made it through a 90-minute feature, I tend to have devolved into a slimy, primordial monster that has become one with the sofa – and that’s if the hardware has survived that long. Often, the projector will overheat and need a timeout before my metamorphosis is complete.
And the easiest and most popular solution among the team for this problem, an air conditioning unit, is troublesome for a couple of reasons. First, because as a lifelong Captain Planet supporter and proud Planeteer, I don’t like using them (they’re not great for the environment).
Second, because even if I did, they’re noisy. So noisy that every unit I’ve auditioned has been just loud enough to distract me from what’s playing – they hum at the perfect frequency to constantly be in the back of your mind, like a small child crying in the distance.
And speaking of small children…
The summer season brings with it summer holidays. Most think this time’s cute, giving kids time to be kids. And I appreciate that. But as an uncle and repeat godfather, it feels like being a resident of Argos after the gods unleashed the Kraken.
Tiny monsters, descending on you as tired, exasperated parents volunteer my wife and me for babysitting duties, regardless of our protests. “Oh, it's fine,” they say. “Just put some Bluey on in that home cinema room, and they’ll be fine,” they say.
My home cinema is my fortress of solitude and built for better things than Bluey…
But more importantly, tiny summer spawn are the most dangerous kind. Warm, fussy, hyped up on ice lollies and caffeinated fizzy drinks. I’ve been sugar-bombed by many of my “friends” and family over the years.
Editor’s note: Sugar bombing is when you turn your child into a live grenade, loading them with sweet treats, shaking, then tossing them to the person babysitting just as their pupils start to dilate.
They're destructive forces of nature that have a supernatural ability to do two things: destroy expensive home cinema hardware and always be slightly sticky, no matter how many times you make them wash their hands.
Honestly, the last time I babysat, I left the room for two minutes with them happily watching Wicked and came back to chaos. Jam was smeared over their tiny hands and most of the room, including the projector’s glass, even though I don’t have any jam in the house and the kids were “clean” before I left to get them a juice pop.
It’s a mystery I still haven’t solved. Was it in their pockets? Is producing jam out of thin air a superpower all five-year-olds have? I need to know!
It’s this potent combination of factors that makes me hate the summer season and wish we could skip it and get back to the infinitely more home-cinema-friendly winter months. Call me a grump all you like, but you know I’m right.
MORE:
We rank the best projectors money can buy
Our reviewers rank the best Dolby Atmos soundbars
Our picks of the best AV receivers
