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MajorFubar's picture
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A friend in need is a PITA?

I have a friend I’ve known for nearly 20 years. She has a shall we say a tumultuous relationship with her partner, along with other issues, and to that end she always seems to turn to me whenever she feels her life needs ironing-out again.  But when all the flowers are rosey in her garden I don’t really hear from her from one week to the next. Or sometimes even one month to the next.  If I've not heard from her for a while and I contact her, there’s always some reason why she cannot see me or cannot talk to me, and to be honest I’ve never really felt that I have ever been able to share my life’s trials and tribulations with her as easily as she shares hers with me.  So in that respect it’s always been one-way traffic.

For nearly 20 years I’ve never been quite sure whether I should feel honoured that she trusts me so much that she is able to share her problems with me, or whether for nearly two decades I’ve really just been used.

How would you feel?

 

BenLaw's picture
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RE: A friend in need is a PITA?

I think she should start posting on a hifi forum. 

CnoEvil's picture
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RE: A friend in need is a PITA?

BenLaw wrote:

I think she should start posting on a hifi forum. 

:grin:

...or try "Grill Graham" on Saturday morning.  Wink

"We should no more let numbers define audio quality than we should let chemical analysis be the arbiter of fine wines."  Nelson Pass

MajorFubar's picture
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RE: A friend in need is a PITA?

It's probably just me over-reacting. But last week she really was low. When she rang me at work last monday it was 'I need to talk to someone and you're the only person I can talk to". I quit work early and went to see her. When I left her house we'd worked out a plan to help her turn her life around (again, for the 400th time it seems). Rang her the day after and it was like 'oh hi is there a problem only I've got x y z to do and I can't really talk, bye" (not literally that short a convo, but it may as well have been). And I'm there thinking "well hey, sorry I rang, it's just that part of me was checking you're still freakin' with us :silenced: ".  Heard nothing from her since and the one txt I sent remains unreplied to.

chebby's picture
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RE: A friend in need is a PITA?

MajorFubar wrote:
When I left her house we'd worked out a plan to help her turn her life around (again, for the 400th time it seems).

That's you - as a bloke - following your instinct to fix things.  It seems like she just needs you to be there to 'dump' her emotions on every now and then before she moves on. Port in a storm or whatever.

As parents of two daughters (20 and 27)*   we have had decades of what you describe. We learnt a long time ago that our 'job' is not to fix things but to just be there when required. (With cash when necessary and Coco Pops at all times.)  

*Their ages. We didn't number them.

 

 

"We are currently awaiting the loading of our complement of small lemon-soaked paper napkins for your comfort, refreshment and hygiene during the journey."

Big Chris's picture
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RE: A friend in need is a PITA?

Sit down and talk to her and be honest with her. If she is truly a friend then she will listen and take it on the chin.

If she doesn't listen, then all you've lost a needy, self centred, drama queen...... Which is no real loss at all.

Xanderzdad's picture
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RE: A friend in need is a PITA?

Big Chris - Absolutely agree.

DandyCobalt's picture
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RE: A friend in need is a PITA?

If you get something positive out of the relationship, then well done.

If she is just draining your own emotional resources, then it's your choice to keep it going. Negative relationships like this can have a serious effect on the health of the provider of emotional support  (but not the person asking for it ).

Tell her what you want out of the relationship. Otherwise, tell her that her emotional bank account at your branch is so overdrawn that you'll have to close the account.

She is a selfish "taker" .

 

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RE: A friend in need is a PITA?

I don't know Major. I would tend to disagree with others here. She's obviously emotionally dependent on you. I am in a similar situation, & I don't mind it at all. I'm glad that I'm of help to her. I don't let it affect me. All I do is listen, and advise only if asked.

If she's been dependent on you for 20 years, bear in mind that suddenly withdrawing support can do more harm than good. If you're finding it difficult to manage, then gradually reduce your support.

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RE: A friend in need is a PITA?

bigboss wrote:

I don't know Major. I would tend to disagree with others here. She's obviously emotionally dependent on you. I am in a similar situation, & I don't mind it at all. I'm glad that I'm of help to her. I don't let it affect me. All I do is listen, and advise only if asked.

If she's been dependent on you for 20 years, bear in mind that suddenly withdrawing support can do more harm than good. If you're finding it difficult to manage, then gradually reduce your support.

That's all very well but you would at least expect a shag once in a while to pacify him, no.

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RE: A friend in need is a PITA?

Just wondering....if it was a bloke, would you be as patient and understanding??

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RE: A friend in need is a PITA?

Are you married ?

Is she ?

 

Maybe it is like the movie "Serendipity"  and you are meant to BE together ?   ...    :?

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